Zoolander - Love Story
by BlackOrchid
Summary: At the end of the movie, Derek Zoolander seems to have it all...or does he?: warning, Z/H slash!


Zoolander Name: Black Orchid   
Genre: Z/H slash   
Rating: PG-13 (Pretty Good if I was a 13-year-old writing this instead of an adult)   
Spoiler Warnings: Buffy dies, Darth Vader is really Anakin Skywalker   
Archive?: You're sad 

Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to the movie Zoolander or any of its characters. If Ben Stiller is angry with me for writing a story based on his creation, he can personally come over to my house with a paddle and show me who's the boss. I would say Tony Danza. 

Zoolander: Love Story 

The evil Mugatu had been defeated, the Malaysian Prime Minister was safe, and Derek Zoolander's dad called him from deep in the coal mines of New Jersey to profess the newfound pride he had for his son. 

"So what if the miracle of computer effects turned you into a simpering, prancing mermaid--what matters is that simpering, prancing mermaid is also *my son*." 

"Thanks, Dad. But it's mer-MAN." 

With Matilda at Derek's side, and his career on the rebound, he should have been the happiest male supermodel on Earth. But there was something missing. What? What could it be? 

The emptiness haunted Zoolander. He tried to throw himself into his work as chairman of the Derek Zoolander Foundation For Kids Who Can't Read And Stuff. 

"Ow," Zoolander said, as several staff members picked him up from what remained of his desk. "That's the last time I throw myself into my work." 

"Derek, I think you're avoiding something," Matilda said, plucking a fragment of cherry mahogany from his forehead with a tweezer. "Is something wrong?" 

"I...I feel like something's missing. Like my life is without meaning." 

"But that's why you put your modelling career on hold and opened up this foundation. You left the shallow world of high-fashion behind and decided to help people, thus giving yourself a noble cause and a true reason to live. And I love you for it, Zoolander." 

She put her arms around him and gave him a real big kiss. 

He seemed disoriented and started to babble. 

"Modelling...shallow...high-fashion...love..." 

"Derek, are you okay?" 

"Modelling...shallow...high-fashion...love..." 

He was obviously catatonic as a result of his tumble. More alarming was--his face fell into a permanent Magnum! 

"Oh...my...God!" the beautiful reporter exclaimed. 

Matilda put him to bed and called his doctor, hoping it was only a momentary concussion. But days passed and there was no improvement in Zoolander. The only words he would say were: 

"Modelling...shallow...high-fashion...love..." 

A glow hovered over him as the Magnum staunchly remained on his face. At one point a dove landed on his face, attracted by the beatific facial expression. Matilda wiped away the tender white trickle of guano that had fallen down Zoolander's cheek and wept at the beauty of the scene, as she recalled years later in her book Zoolander Really Loved Hansel And Not Me. 

"Oh Derek...whatever could be wrong with you?" 

Then the doctor made a grave prediction--if Zoolander didn't snap out of his trance and stop the Magnum facial expression within the next 48 hours, he would--DIE! 

Matilda was in deep despair. Suddenly, Zoolander's formal arch-rival Hansel came in, looking for the dried oblong Tunisian mkylukluk he had left at the house during the Congratulations You Don't Suck Any Longer Zoolander And Also We Don't Hate You party several weeks earlier. 

Hansel was stunned. 

"Dude...what a cool dove!" 

Matilda was furious. 

"You idiot!" 

"Whoa, negative vibes bad. Don't lay your hangups on me, man. It's all good." 

"Zoolander is dying!" 

"He's dying? Dying what? Suede?" 

In desperation Matilda yanked Hansel by his long, bronze mane and pushed his face towards that of Zoolander. The light that was generated by the Magnum was blinding. 

"The colors..." Hansel said. 

Just then, as if recognizing the blond male supermodel before him, Zoolander began to speak. 

"Modelling...shallow...high-fashion...love..." 

"That's what he said shortly before he fell into the coma," Matilda explained. "But I don't know what it means." 

"Let's see," Hansel said, screwing up his face in concentration. "What has to do with modelling...is shallow...has high-fashion...and represents love?" 

Then he caught his reflection in the shiny surface of Zoolander's bedpan. 

"Oh, yeah!" 

Zoolander's eyes fluttered in lucidity, two dark pools of liquid passion. 

"Hansel...is that you?" 

"It's me, hombre." 

"Why...why didn't you return my emails?" 

"What addy did you use?" 

"Hansel at Hot Male Dot Com." 

"That's it, Hansel@hotmail.com...weird I didn't get it. Spooky. Real X-Files, man." 

"I thought...I thought you didn't like me anymore! Sob!" 

"Why would that be so important to you, bro?" 

"Because..." 

"Say it, man, admit it: you love me!" 

"No! No, I..." 

Tears formed in the eyes of both beautiful men. 

"Say it, dude! You love me!" 

"I...I...yes! Yes! I wanted you from the very moment I saw you!" 

They embraced, and Matilda knew it was best to quietly exit the room and leave them to their business. Wasn't she disappointed at losing Zoolander to another man? 

"Of course not," she said, coolly flipping her long blond hair. "After all. I'm still Marsha Brady, dammit." 

The End   
  



End file.
